I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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