I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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