So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize