so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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