In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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