Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I touched a dick in church today
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize