Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
