Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So gin and wine won't be happening again
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
