I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
