just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
