he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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