brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
