How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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