If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
