i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I love you.
Bad choice
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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