saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
