Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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