Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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