News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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