Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
