ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
