i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize