Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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