i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize