Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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