omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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