We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
