I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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