She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
