her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
