Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
