How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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