Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
