Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Randomize
