I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
