Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
