I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize