oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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