So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
