I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
