you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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