Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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