The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
