My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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