1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
