i barfeds in our rink
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
