omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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