I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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