This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
