In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
