i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize