Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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