Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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