It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
try to milk me bitch
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
