So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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