cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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