I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
