I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
there is glitter all over my balls
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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