I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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