why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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