just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize