I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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