You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I want to fling myself into the sun
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
