My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
